Have you caught yourself on the fact that in a conversation with someone you begin to make excuses? Quite often, when you talk to people, you hear excuses in speech. Excuses for their choice, for their actions, for desires, for words, emotions, feelings ... Yes, that there, some are justified, in general, for their existence. You can, of course, call it an explanation, but it's not about what they say, but how. It's about intonation and pressure. Excuses are pronounced or written out of a sense of guilt, defense, protection, a desire to prevent new questions, from the feeling that you are wrong, that you have frozen some kind of nonsense, etc.
Not everything they do, even if they consider themselves super-duper conscious and advanced. Not everyone realizes that they begin to make excuses when they talk about something. Even, sometimes, articles or comments on VK are detailed excuses, in some way. So let's start with how to start noticing it.
Start asking yourself questions: “Why do I say what I say, write what I write? What kind of response from the listener do I want (really) to get when speaking or commenting? How do I feel now when I say this? What feeling am I now talking or writing from? What is my motive? ". Start tracking your emotional states, be aware of your true motives for words, comments, etc. This will give you a lot of information about yourself and your current state of consciousness.
Most often, people hide a lot from themselves, afraid to admit to themselves their true feelings and motives. They justify themselves in their own eyes. Like, this is because he did this to me, this is because life is like this now, this is because I have this, I have this, because I know better, I have this experience, because I am in a stream and in high vibrations and etc ... Therefore, mindfulness of their feelings leads some to "revelations."
Justified by those who feel deeply wrong, who doubt what they say and do, who feel rejected, bad, dirty, unworthy, ugly, guilty, those who are only denied by everyone, who need attention, approval, acceptance , love. Those who are not ready to take responsibility for their actions and desires. I'm exaggerating, of course, but only lightly.)))
All this can be attributed to. To the fact that in childhood, parents often refused, scolded for the cause and for no reason, dismissed someone, did not pay enough attention, compared with someone and not in your favor, blamed for their failures, etc. But this, too, did not just happen. It is no coincidence that you had just such parents.
You can do long digging in memory, look for imprints and do reimprinting, which can help, provided that you find the earliest imprint, the very first painful event in this life of its kind. Or you can use more direct methods. For me, they are more natural.
You can, for example, stop explaining something to yourself altogether. Both to myself and to others. Here you feel an itch inside, explain something when you are not asked, or urgently tell how it really is - feel it, but be silent! Don't say anything! Even to ourselves! Just watch what is happening within you. I understand that it will be hard from habit, but you will get a very interesting experience.
You can ask yourself questions: “What is important for me to justify myself? If I am justified, what becomes available to me? What then can I feel? What will I feel if I do not justify myself? " As always, I will say that it is better for you to answer these questions yourself, it will be more therapeutic. But to continue to reveal the topic, I will continue.
Naturally, excuses are needed. And if I am accepted and loved, then I can relax and be myself. Then I can accept and love myself. But in fact, this means complete tranquility and happiness. And not knowing how easy it is to be relaxed, calm, happy, how to feel love and acceptance, how easy it is to be, we begin to make excuses. This is such a workaround for the mind to relax and accept itself. After all, in fact, we are justifying ourselves to ourselves, and not to people.
We cannot know what the other person thinks of us, how he really perceives us. But we "know everything" about ourselves! We have already painted a portrait of oneself, whom everyone loves and accepts, with an opinion that counts, that everyone respects and appreciates, who is the smartest among all, the most beautiful, the most loving, the nicest, the most advanced, who is simply perfect. And if we do something that contradicts this image, if we have a desire that contradicts this image, then we begin to justify ourselves to ourselves. Or there is another image of oneself, completely opposite. And then even the excuses become simple. Everything in life is justified by this image of an unfortunate loser, lonely and abandoned.
But if you honestly look at yourself, then what if you know something and what it is? Is it not an illusion? And so are other people. What difference does it make to what a person thinks of me if what he thinks is just his ideas, which have nothing to do with reality? Is it worth adjusting to these ideas and even more justifying them?
We all look at each other through the filters of our concepts and ideas about ourselves and the world. Through intellect, memory, subjective experience, through emotional habits, natural instincts, desires ... We do not look directly as it is. And in the same way, we do not see ourselves as we are, we only see ideas, concepts, tendencies, emotions, desires, etc. So is it worth taking this tinsel of the mind so seriously? Is it worth it to take yourself so seriously to someone you don't know?
But this is exactly what we are doing. It is our serious attitude to our ideas, experience, emotions, our truth that creates so much tension and builds such complex labyrinths in our minds that we are afraid to destroy. After all, if one brick falls from this slender structure, everything will collapse. Everything will collapse and the unsightly truth about ourselves will be revealed. The truth that we are so afraid of. In which we are so afraid to admit to ourselves. And although, this is also not a fact, because we do not know ourselves. And in fact it is very good if this structure collapses, but fear is fear.
It is true that you are not what you want to seem. It is true that you do not love yourself, that you do not accept and condemn yourself, that you are afraid to be left alone, that you are afraid to be helpless. It's simple, the truth is that you don't know yourself. You don't know who you are. Usually they are afraid of this, although this truth is very relaxing, relieves a lot of tension. And they are afraid only because they cannot accept it, accept it as it is.
But here's one of the ways - Accept and relax. Stop resisting her and prove to yourself and others the opposite. Acceptance of this reduces the dependence on evaluation, or removes it completely, if the acceptance is complete and total. I understand that it may not just be possible, but since you have already realized a lot, then why stop. I will not describe the technical side of the issue, this is usually at trainings. But acceptance cannot be avoided.
And if you have calmed down about yourself, then, just, there is an opportunity to simply calmly relax and, without expectation, direct attention to yourself. In this way, you come to self-inquiry. You start to wonder who you really are.
You can, of course, immediately engage in atmavichara and not waste time on different acceptance practices. Find out immediately who you are. Who makes excuses, who needs it, who is afraid? Realize at once that there is nothing to accept, and there is no one to accept. That everything that you have thought up and piled up in your mind is an illusion that has nothing to do with reality, like the mechanism of the ego / mind itself. But not for everyone this is a quick process (it can even drag on for several years). And although it is instant, like here and now, like instant insight, it is not so easy to approach this. Otherwise, you would be surrounded by only conscious and knowledgeable people.
And therefore, it is proposed to simultaneously use both personal practices and self-exploration and meditation (I am now making a series of videos about this, and there are still many days of the project - I will have time to write about it). In general, use whatever will help you become calmer, happier, more confident, etc. And most importantly, more loving is the main criterion.
When you know yourself, justification naturally disappears from speech as a common pattern of communication. Because you do not need the assessment of others and their disposition towards you. You do not need their permission to be and manifest. You just are as you are. You are just like everyone else. And this is natural and normal. And in exactly the same way, everything is as it is. There are desires, such as they are. You make some choices, and everybody does it. And this is great! Everything happens as it happens. You lose your appreciation for everything that surrounds you and for yourself. And if there is no assessment, no measure, then what needs to be explained then? And to whom? We can explain something, but the internal motive is completely different.
Let's talk about excuses - about those excuses that arise when we do wrong, or when we are told that we are wrong and wrong, in general, about those cases when we do not want to change in something or do something. Think about whether excuses help - the mind sometimes invents, and often gives quite logical and convincing arguments in favor of its innocence, but does this change our life for the better? In fact, more often than not, excuses are just deception, and not others, but themselves. But to start living consciously, you need to become honest with yourself, read on - how to stop making excuses.
Self-deception or lying to yourself
People around us sometimes point out our shortcomings or wrong behavior, or we ourselves point out to others the wrong behavior - who is closer to who, and more often than not, in such situations, people begin to make excuses. It is extremely difficult to honestly and calmly admit that you are wrong, therefore very few people can do it, especially if a person is under pressure at this moment. The more pressure is put on, the more difficult it is for a person to admit that he was mistaken or acted incorrectly - this is a note.
As a rule, a person makes excuses because he is sincerely sure that there are no deviations in his behavior, almost everyone is convinced that they live right... And most often a person justifies himself on an unconscious level, his defensive reactions are simply automatically turned on, and the reason for this is our mind. As long as the mind continues to constantly take over our behavior, we will never be able to stop making excuses.
"For the one who has tamed the mind, he becomes the best friend, and for the one who failed, the mind remains the worst enemy." Bhagavad-gita 6.6
The mind is like a child, it reaches out for what it likes and rebelles when it doesn't like something. Most people live on the platform of the mind, starting to protest and condemn when something does not suit them, in a particular case - to justify themselves and blame others, trying to smooth over their guilt by shifting it onto others. How to live consciously - you need to learn to watch your mind, do not let him get the best of the situation. The mind is within us, the behavior of such a person, as a rule, is spontaneous - that is, in response to behavior and words that a person does not like, an instant, most often unconscious reaction occurs.
Such a person begins to be indignant - someone out loud, openly expressing protest and disagreement, and someone in the mind - but he does not know me, but I really am not like that, I am different, etc. For many people, there is a war between the mind and the mind - the mind gives arguments in favor of the right actions, saying "You're wrong, admit it," and the mind says "You are not to blame for anything, if anyone is to blame, then others, you are only look at them". The mind will bring hundreds of arguments just to justify itself, since it is very painful for our mind to recognize ourselves as wrong, the mind by all means avoids violence towards itself.
As we have already said, the mind is drawn to what it pleases, that is why a person, as a rule, so painfully transfers criticism and reproaches in his address, or when they try to fix a person for the better by force. How to stop making excuses - with the power of reason admitting that he is wrong, he is able to set goals and go to their achievement, to show willpower, to distinguish what is right and what is wrong. But, more often than not, the mind breaks all the arguments of the mind to smithereens and wins.
One of the mind's favorite phrases when it comes to making excuses. "Yes, but"... For example, they say something to you, “You know, you did this and I think it’s wrong.” And you seem to agree, saying “Yes, you’re right, but ...”, and this “but”, in fact, completely crosses out the “yes”, discarding it. Excuses mean that I am right, excuses are not admitting that I am wrong, justifying means not taking responsibility for my life, making excuses is like saying that I am not to blame and there is nothing wrong with my behavior.
I can find hundreds of excuses for my wrong behavior, but life does not get better from this, I can criticize other people, giving convincing arguments in favor of their guilt, but this does not make life better either. With each such excuse, life will get worse and worse, so I choose a different life path, to live consciously means to be able to admit that you are wrong.
"It is impossible to help someone who does not want to change his life." Hippocrates
How to stop making excuses - you need to understand and realize that making excuses does not improve our life in any way. Excuses do not in any way contribute to reflecting and comprehending their behavior, do not allow conclusions to be drawn from wrong behavior. Excuses provide not just freedom, but a loophole so that you can do wrong. Excuses cling to a thin thread of truth when, as a rule, the general one looks different. He is a dodgy mind, he is everywhere capable of finding something to grab onto, to live comfortably, and find defects there, in accordance with which it would be inconvenient to live.
For example, if a person is divorced, he says “Many are happier in a second marriage,” and if there are children in the family, then such a person can argue that there are families where the child was brought up by two parents, and it was not clear who grew up, but there are cases when a single parent, and grew up to be a wonderful person. Also with smoking and alcohol - there you can find people who sometimes lived for a hundred years and did not die from these, and the fact that several thousand people per day die from this, many do not attach any importance, sincerely believing that this is not about them.
There is truth in this, of course, but in order to stop making excuses, in order to start living consciously, you need to understand and accept that this is only a fraction of the truth, and, as a rule, a much smaller fraction. And there are countless such cases where you can find an excuse for yourself. When people start to go to extremes, they are more often than not just making excuses. Such a person, having heard a thought with which he does not agree, will try to insert a reverse example, often exaggerated or simply presented in an extreme form, in order to cross out the thought he did not like.
Or when a person reads an article or hears a person's story about how to live right and inserts a comment like "Everyone has his own path" or "Each case is unique." Often there are excuses behind such words - the mind seems to whisper to the person “No, no, no, in our case everything is different, our case is an exception to the rule - quickly insert your word to calm down”. In this case, a person rejects the path that was described or told, but at the same time, he often does not know his own path, he himself did not embark on any life path, or, as they sometimes joke, “As a person got on the spiritual path, so and stands, and does not move. "
On the other hand, I think, while reading the article, someone already had “Yes, but” and attempts to go to some extreme, for example, why should I, after wrong behavior, reproach myself, engaging in self-criticism. Extremes are always bad - after wrong actions, we should not blame ourselves and drive ourselves into a corner, engaging in self-torture, which will be written about later.
Honesty with yourself or how to live consciously
The philosophy “All problems are outside, but everything is fine with me” does not bring positive results in our life. Stop comforting yourself with self-explanatory speeches, stop criticizing only others, continuing to consider yourself soft and fluffy. begin with sincerity and truthfulness in relation to oneself. When we are honest with ourselves, we soberly assess the situation, we see what we should work on, what needs to be changed in our character and behavior. Just keep track of the state when you start making excuses, it is with observation of yourself that the change in our behavior begins.
"If you are looking for perfection, strive to change yourself, not others." Unknown author
How to live consciously - you need to choose the middle ground. If a person makes excuses, it means that he does not admit that he is wrong, and such a person thinks that I don’t need to be corrected, everything is fine with me, I have no problems - such a person does not progress a bit. On the other hand, someone really sometimes gets crushed by the burden of wrong behavior, when he is strongly focused on the shortcomings, he is crushed by all that is bad that is in him. Such a person cannot take a single step, sometimes he is crushed so strongly - as a rule, under the influence of his own criticism, that he does not even see a gap. He does not know how to get out of the rubble of his own wrong actions, not seeing where to go, in which direction.
Try not to overwhelm yourself with this heap. , failures, negative character traits and wrong behavior are not a garbage dump that should put pressure on you, roughly speaking, poking you at how bad and imperfect you are. Let this dump of your shortcomings be just in plain sight, as if under the windows - as a reminder that there is something to work on, but do not dive into this heap, do not plunge into a broken state. Acceptance of a situation is when we understand and accept that it was - that was, we did everything we could, if, of course, you really made efforts to improve this or that situation, and not just made excuses.
Everyone in this life is wrong, everyone has their own shortcomings., but this does not mean giving up on your life. Divorced - it happens, draw at least some conclusions from what happened. Do not blame, at least, only others, look into yourself - and this will be a huge step. Repentance is a confession in oneself and a vision of specific sins, just try not to repeat the same mistakes in life, learn a lesson from each situation - this is living consciously. Sometimes fate leads a person through life in such a way that he has no other choice (just do not think that this is your case), so it is very important to learn how to properly relate to the events taking place around.
"The greatest glory is not never being wrong, but being able to get up every time you fall." Confucius
To stop making excuses, you have to be honest with yourself - learn to admit your mistakes and wrong behavior, this is the beginning... Any person can make excuses - there is not an ounce of strength or self-control in this, in order to freak out and criticize others - you don't need a lot of intelligence. Until you have honesty with yourself, you will continue to live in the illusion invented by your mind, and your life will never change for the better. The mind is always justified, the ego shows off, the soul is humble. Before judging others, first turn your gaze inward, pay attention to yourself.
You also need to get feedback from other people about your behavior. Many think out, and sometimes openly decide for other people what is more pleasant and useful for them, when, as these people themselves often dream and wish about something completely different. You need to be attentive, listening to the needs of other people - try to understand and find out what this or that person really needs.
How to stop making excuses - when they say to you that you acted wrong, try to hear another person and listen to him, of course, without fanaticism - that is, you do not need to constantly be in some kind of paranoid state, and look for your sins and work on correcting them. To stop making excuses, you need to accept the fact that you can be wrong and wrong. If two or three people say the same words to you, paying attention to or behavior, this is a reason to think about your behavior. And even more so, if everyone around says that the problem is in you, then Bob's so-called principle "When Bob has problems with everyone, the main problem is usually Bob himself."
But also remember that we must be moderately condescending, both to ourselves and to those around us. Is there any point in blaming something that cannot be changed, but at the same time, we must try our best to do the right thing. I do not incline to live within the framework of some kind of dogma, when a step to the left or a step to the right is a firing squad. There are simply principles according to which we should try to live, if we make mistakes - it is better to honestly admit them and, if possible, try to correct them, or at least draw the necessary conclusions that would help in the future. This means living consciously, and this is much better than living in deception, each time giving excuses for their behavior.
We want to tell everyone why we do this and what happened before. So he is tempted to explain and tell his whole life. Nobody asks us, but we all talk, we talk. It seems that until we justify ourselves, we will not calm down. And it really is.
Such a small step from explanation to justification. And we do it imperceptibly for ourselves. As soon as we begin to explain something, we do not notice how we switch to an excuse: “It happened, because ...”, “I’m just explaining.” Of course, it's good when we explain everything. But you noticed how peculiar our explanations are: they are all boring, compassionate, sad, sad.
A destructive harmless habit
In fact, making excuses is a habit. At first glance, harmless: “Just think! I'm telling the truth. This is really so! " This habit stems from our habit of feeling guilty. We did something wrong and on us, as if a wave of guilt rolls over that we are to blame. And self-flagellation and self-deprecation begins.
It seems to me that this is one of the most striking forms of manifestation of self-dislike. Someone will ask: "How to love yourself?" To love yourself, you need to stop doing things that destroy us, like making excuses based on guilt. You just need to speak specifically, clearly and clearly: this is my fault and I am to blame. People also start making excuses when they don't want to ask for forgiveness. So we soothe the voice of conscience and begin to explain what and why, and it also turns out that someone else is to blame. This is a colossal lie in relation to yourself and those around you. But you won't last long on a lie. Sooner or later you will have to deal with this.
The truth is always specific
It always seems to us that we are telling the truth, it’s just a sad truth. But even the sad truth sounds very specific, clear and emotionless. In just a few sentences. But notice, in the justification, we need to express everything that we feel, why it happened, who is to blame and what we think about this in general. But it doesn't matter what you think about it. Who is right, who is wrong, why you did it or why you didn’t do it, it is absolutely irrelevant.
In fact, there is little truth in this truth. As soon as we find out the truth, we begin to act. How do your explanations help you to act? And for how many years or months in a row have you been saying the same thing? Yes, you say. But how did the explanation help you to change yourself, change your life, what did it give in general? In addition, that, as you think, has become easier.
There is a fact and action is needed. When people do not want to see the truth, do not want to be honest with themselves, with their surroundings, with their lives, they begin to make excuses. Justification is not wanting to see this life, to see your shortcomings. Because if you really will see them clearly and clearly and be honest about it, you will have to do something about it.
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Want to change - stop making excuses
When we make excuses, we drown out the voice of conscience and it becomes easier. And the more you say, the easier and easier it becomes for you. And that's all. And everything seems to be fine, you are able to live and continue to be inactive or simulate violent activity. You do whatever, you do whatever. And you don't do the most important thing. Because you already justified yourself, you did. Everything is wonderful and good. And you can continue to live the way you lived before. As if through excuses someone signed you below or imposed a resolution that everything is fine, you can continue to live calmly, as you lived.
There is a direct relationship between justification and inaction. The more we make excuses, the more we are inactive in the most important direction. In the direction of developing yourself and making the most important decisions in your life. If we remove excuses, then we have to act.
With excuses we stay weak
And there comes a moment when you feel that you have no strength. Remember the famous phrase: “What is the strength, Brother? Power is in the truth". And it really is, the truth is power. And if we constantly lie, instead of strength in us: pity, constant justification, guilt. A cycle of incomprehensible destructive emotions.
You can make excuses all your life, and people believe that these are colossal actions. Friends, this excuse is a colossal self-deception.
It is difficult to get out of this cycle. It only seems that it is easy to get out of it: “I made excuses today, but tomorrow I will not do it”. You know, it only seems to be. A person gets used to the position that he is a victim, that he is weak and weak, that everyone owes him. And when he sees the truth, he realizes that he must act on his own, must manage himself and his life. I don't want this, laziness and cowardice overwhelm: "And if I make a mistake, what then?"
It's not scary to make mistakes, it's scary not to make them at all. The worst mistake is trying not to make a single mistake. As soon as we start to do this, we fall into the biggest trap, we stop living real life. We stop being ourselves.
Self-deception, self-justification, self-pity are all consequences of excuses, so they need to be treated very carefully. Keep a close eye on what you say and how you say it. Watch your intonation. Understand how frequent excuses are in your life, so as not to waste your life on them, but to live to the fullest. And then you will feel that life now is much more beautiful than the one you lived before.
Regards, Lilia Kim
