“But how can I let him go if he has sprouted in me? - one of the friends of our site writes to us ”. Her letter is a real cry from the heart, which is impossible to pass by! "We have been together for many years, two children together, a lot of ordeals associated with campaigns" to the left ", and then a painful parting, lasting several years."
Saying goodbye forever. How to let go of your ex.
Probably all of this is familiar to you? Of course, everyone has their own nuances, but the essence does not change from this. A loved one left on his own or you decided to leave on your own, it is not important, but the fact that instead of your heart you have one big, non-healing wound inside that hurts day and night. And nothing brings relief.
Girls, no matter how painful, no matter how bitter and endlessly hopeless your state of longing for your beloved, you need to get out of it. And even if you have to pull yourself out of this quagmire by the hair, you will have to do it. For yourself! For the sake of the children! For those people close to you who truly love and appreciate you.
Step-by-step instructions for reviving
"Recovery" or "revitalization of oneself", and this is how we will call that long and thorny path, after which you can let go of your ex, it begins with the first step, whose name ...
Step one... Self-love. Do you know how you can distinguish a young lady who truly loves herself from one who only thinks so? Very simple! The one who loves herself will never, we repeat, never humiliate herself to watch her beloved. Instead, she will behave in such a way that he wonders - shouldn't I start following her, she always looks suspiciously good !? There is nothing more effective than this! Of course, it was worth thinking about it at the beginning of the relationship, and not now, when the “kidneys have fallen off,” but nevertheless, this truth should be taken into account. A similar strategy will still be useful to you for new relationships. Self-love is, first of all, self-respect, it is allowing you to be yourself. This is a subtle game in which your loved one feels your warmth, and at the same time you do not lose yourself, do not dissolve in your feelings. After all, any dissolution is like a catastrophe. Awakening or sobering up will be very harsh. Meanwhile, it has come, since you are reading this article. Everything is bad, you are in pain, you do not want to live. In vain! After all, if you look at your situation as if from the outside, as if you were sitting in the front row in the theater, and watching the action that is happening on the stage, where the main characters are you and your counterpart, then many things will suddenly begin to be seen differently light. It’s not so scary, it’s not so painful. I no longer want to blame myself for all sins and sprinkle ashes on my head. And it is right. The position in which you take on all the blame for the breakup that happened is fundamentally wrong. In any relationship, there are two, therefore, the fault lies with both partners. True, only mature individuals can understand this homespun truth. If you, in all honesty, do not refer yourself to them, but your thought should flow in a slightly different direction. Waking up in the morning, having a snack during the day and falling asleep in the evening, you should, like “Our Father”, repeat and repeat one and only incantation: “What a goat he is! How glad I am that we parted! Oh Gods! How happy I am! This method has been tested more than once, and if you follow it, you will soon be able to make sure of its effectiveness on your own. Why does it work? Yes, simply because you have forgiven yourself, you no longer punish yourself, because you love yourself, because you have realized all your mistakes and are ready to move on, lifting your beautiful head high.
Step two... Everything that was was good, and what is ahead will be even better! It is this phrase, this very thought from morning to evening that should be spinning in your head! You know, in our article we will not feel sorry for anyone, we will not mourn your "baby doll" together with you. Here's why: You should be grateful for what you had, many did not have even half of what you could get from your ex. This alone is worth rejoicing. Yes, it is very unfortunate that all this has gone somewhere. And then, as soon as the above thought has visited your little head, you find yourself at a fork in two roads. The name of the first one is eternal regrets and groans, from the category: "Oh, what an unfortunate woman I am who lost everything in my life, oh, how much time I spent on this ...". The name of the second is a clear and unshakable confidence that after the "dress rehearsal", which you brilliantly played, a worthy person will really enter your life, with whom you can create the very relationships that you have long dreamed of, relying on your previous experience ... Which road to set foot on is up to you. Any obsession with yesterday's bottom is a loss of energy, which is not so easy to replenish. Perhaps, instead of this, you should direct your gaze to the future, without losing touch with the day today?
Step three... I love myself even more or here and now! No matter how hard it is for you to saddle your own thoughts, you still have to do it. Otherwise, happiness will not be seen! In your head should be "cooked" exactly that "porridge" that you need and which will be useful and constructive both for you today and for you in the future. Perhaps many of you, during the period of the so-called "relationship" (regardless of the stamp in the passport), had no time and nothing to go to a beauty salon or once again you did not have time to meet with your friends. Your home tyrant and rogue did not really give you money, and even more so the opportunity to do something pleasant for yourself. So, the time for "Pleasant" has come! We are confidently telling you about this! Now is the MOT, to change your image, to buy something new and beautiful, for a candlelit bath with relaxing music, for a vacation trip, for a job change or job search. At the worst, if the funds do not really give the opportunity to "roam" - to meet with old friends or watch your favorite films. Time to be with your children (if you have them), who in this situation suffer much more than you! Now in your life is the very time when you have time for yourself! Finally, you have time for your hobby (it can also be shared with your child)! Do you remember that you have it (a hobby), but you always had no time for it ?! A bunch of interesting books, a lot of new acquaintances and impressions are waiting for you. Everything, your sorrows are all in the past. We take care of ourselves and do it with pleasure!
Step four... She died, she died! How do you like to have your finger chopped off immediately or to be sawed off slowly with a blunt knife? Slowly and methodically, causing unbearable pain? Naturally, it is worth choosing the third option, which in this case is not offered at all - to stay with your own body parts, so to speak, in a complete set. However, this does not always work out. Any breakup is hard, painful and very unpleasant. Although there are exceptions. But if you are still reading us, it means that your break was a little like "pleasantness and sweetness." If you have decided (really decided!) That you have had enough, then do not forget to remove your handsome man from everywhere. Get out of the phone, social networks, vatsap and others, other, other delights! Let's make a reservation that this method is suitable only for those who have no children left from a previous relationship. For when joint children remain, alas, the story with "removal" will not be the most faithful and not the wisest, however, about this in another. Any things, any "reminders" that hurt you so far should be removed out of sight, at least for the time being. Do not rush to throw away gifts, because very little time will pass, and you will remember the past storms with a smile. Believe me, it will be so! As you remove your ex from everywhere, ask yourself one big question, and then honestly answer it to yourself: “Do I really want this? Am I really ready for the fact that he no longer has a place in my life "? If both times you answered “Yes” !, then proceed. Chamomile games, when you deleted it today, and added it tomorrow, when you are a frequent visitor to its page, this is a kindergarten. Don't you think it's time to grow up?
Step five... Forgetting cannot be remembered! What word would you like to put a comma after? Just about, and we are about the same! It is you who decide where the notorious comma should appear! Let's be honest, you won't be able to “forget”, at least as quickly as you would like. However, you are free to remember exactly what you like the most. If you want to remember the good, remember! Want - bad, too. But what's the point? It is much more useful, and most importantly wiser, to remember the bright moments of life. Remember and sincerely thank fate for being so kind and generous to you. And it will continue to be, if you do not start to get hung up on what has passed. Very little time will pass, and you will feel relief, your memories will no longer be as painful as yesterday. Moreover, there is a lot of interesting things ahead!
Our roads, the one and only! We hope that our advice will really help you to survive not the easiest, and not the most pleasant period of your life. And finally, we would like to present you with one wonderful magic ritual.
Ritual of letting go of a former lover
No matter how hard it is for you, no matter how much you want to return everything that was between you, it's time to ask. Say goodbye forever!
Sincerely wish your ex-lover happiness, thank him for being in your life, thank him for the experience that you got thanks to him.
Now write your words of gratitude on paper. If you want to cry, then do not deny yourself such a little. After all, you are crying over the lost relationship for the last time. Here, as they say, you can give yourself freedom! After all your words have laid down on paper, make an airplane or boat out of it, and then burn it so that the smoke comes out through an open window or window. Together with the smoke, your home and you will forever be left with pain, sadness and sadness associated with parting. Throw the ashes away, let it fly away, and dissolve into nothingness.
You should know that you have a long, happy life ahead of you, filled with love and joy. And the sooner you step on the new path of your life, the faster your healing will come!
Hello! I don't know what I want more - to speak out or get advice, because the situation seems hopeless.
I am 36, two children, not married and have never been. But she gave birth to her youngest son from a man whom, as it seems to me, she loved very much.
It was not the first love, but a completely conscious feeling when you understand what a relationship should be, and that in a man it is important to have a relationship of souls, a certain similarity of interests and views on different aspects of life. We had all this, but when we parted (because of my pregnancy), he said a lot, including that for him this relationship was initially frivolous.
It was both painful to hear and insulting, but to this day I continue to believe that this is not so, that he was my soul mate. The son grows up like his father, and I still cannot forget this person. It seems that in life I will no longer meet someone I love (new love displaces the old one) and it still seems that only a miracle can help.
At the same time, I understand everything with my mind, but my soul hurts and there is no more sense in further life. I live by inertia. In the article on the site where your address is indicated, recommendations are given, but they do not suit me.
My job is stable, I do not want to move up the career ladder - in this regard, I am satisfied with the ratio of salary and duties, responsibility.
I can quite be called a creative person - I like to sew, weave from beads, create with my own hands something useful from scrap materials, I like to cook, organize entertainment events for friends and family. At the same time, none of these occupations is ready to make a source of permanent income.
There are friends with whom we meet quite often and have a lot of fun.
And with all this, there is emptiness in the soul.
I'm not used to sitting back when a problem arises: in order to find some peace of mind, I need to do something, but in this situation I can't do anything, because you won't order my heart and I'm even afraid to talk to him - I'm afraid that he will not pick up the phone, or just say nasty things.
Any advice?
Sincerely,
Olga, Kirov
Psychologist's answer:
I would like to start the answer with an aphorism, which I personally love very much: "A hopeless situation is a situation, the obvious way out of which we do not like!"
You write: “I don’t know what I want more - to speak out or get advice”, “I understand everything with my mind, but my soul hurts”. One gets the feeling that you know perfectly well the way out of this situation (I assume that this is “the need to let the father of your youngest child out of your life”), but either you don’t know how to do it, or for some reason deep inside you don’t want to do it ... And, maybe, and then, and another little by little.
You are suggesting that “new love should supplant old”, but it doesn't work that way: for new love to come, there must be a free space for it. Otherwise, she has nowhere to come. You write “it still seems that only a miracle can help,” as if you yourself have despaired of influencing the situation, although the resolution of your emotional difficulties primarily depends on you.
Your main task is to let go of lost love, or rather, perhaps, to let go of the hope to revive relationships and thoughts that everything could have turned out differently, to let go of the idea that this particular person “was my soul mate”.
Love is, first of all, our choice and action. We love a person because in our heart there is a desire to love him. Why does this desire persist in you? Why do you continue to cherish this ideal from the past? What would happen to your life if you let this person go? Think about it. I will assume that this has to do with the fact that "there is no more sense in further life."
You write “I'm even afraid to talk to him - I'm afraid that I won't pick up the phone, or just say nasty things,” which means that you have something to say to him, and, perhaps, it is this understatement, among other things, that prevents you from ending emotionally this relationship ... Or maybe there is something that you really want to hear from him, but you know that you will not hear, hence the fear of talking.
Do two exercises when you have free time and space:
Exercise 1
Write him a letter, express everything that remains unsaid between you: all the grievances, hopes and disappointments, feelings and emotions, the difficulties that you had to face when he left. Pour your soul out on paper, don't hide anything. But don't send this email. Best burn, tear, throw away.
If this does not bring any relief, try again: you may not have been completely honest. This letter will not solve your situation, but it should bring some relief.
Exercise 2
Take two chairs and put them side by side: you have to talk to your lover. Sitting in one chair, you are yourself; sitting on the other, you are "he".
Think about what you would like to discuss with him, what questions to ask, what to say to him. Then sit in the first chair and start a dialogue, speak up, ask your questions. And then change to another and become "him". What would he say to your words? How would he answer your questions? How is his life going? Then sit back in your chair and speak on your own ... Such a conversation can also open up something new for you.
These exercises are best done under the supervision of a professional and / or to discuss their results, but if this is not possible, remember: it is important to be considerate of yourself and respect your thoughts and feelings. If you have any additional questions or comments, please use the e-mail indicated on my page on the site (see the signature at the end of the answer). If you still want to discuss your feelings and experiences in the form of a conversation, then you can organize an in-person consultation in Moscow or a Skype consultation at a convenient time for you.
I am 24 years old, I fell in love and for the first time seriously met a young man for a year, unfortunately, both of us turned out to be not sugar in character ...
There was an engagement, there was a ring, flowers, courtship, there was love, parents were re-acquainted ... it was going to the wedding, but I kicked up and left once, and he did not return me ... their family is proud and very family people, but my family is not like that, I am not friendly, and I could not at all understand their foundations, their values, I could not tolerate the fact that his sister was always pulling him about his business, that there was nowhere to live, that there was not enough money, that they were used to help each other, and I grew up opposite selfish - I have a car and a good job, everything is different from him ... In an instant I was tired and left, but returned after three months, he accepted me, we lived for more three months and I left again, because nothing had changed, but this time I wanted to return in a week, no! They said to me, “I’m gone and go, I’m ashamed in front of my relatives, and I don’t understand how you can disperse twice in a year, you’ll leave me, collecting things, but I need harmony, we are different” ... Why did I leave?
Psychologist's answer.
Hello, Elena. Thank you for the detailed and detailed story and for the separately highlighted questions.
Your relationship was doomed to break up from the very beginning. Why? As you yourself noticed, you grew up in different families, one might say, with opposite foundations and different values. In his family, there are too close ties between relatives (this is evidenced by his relationship with his sister and other facts you described), i.e. they are not accustomed to giving the other person any minimal freedom, as if they are the owners of each other. You have experienced a lack of love since childhood. You are far from being selfish, you are a person who did not receive his portion of love in the parental home and is now trying to compensate for it. And your parting was intended, as you yourself wrote, to receive one more proof that you are loved. And it was perceived by them as an unbearably painful blow. So painful that he was afraid to survive the breakup a second time. That is why he did not want to renew the relationship. In a successful relationship, the joy of each other's society exceeds the pain of parting, and therefore people are able to resume relationships even after a breakup, and often the relationship after that becomes even stronger, more mature. I would not be surprised if he does not develop a relationship with another girl, because any relationship presupposes that a person is ready to take the risk of parting - for him, the potential pain of loss is much more powerful and significant than the possible joy of a happy relationship. (This is the answer to your first question)
You acted sensibly and behaved like an emotional mature person. After the second breakup, you worried for a while (which is normal in such a situation), and then you were able to switch to other tasks. Your recent meeting took place at a difficult period in your life - leaving your job. At this time, your feelings, experiences were heightened, and meeting with him stirred up old memories, opened unhealed wounds.
And this suggests that your relationship has not yet been completed. A new relationship cannot truly begin until you complete the old one — you break up emotionally with it. The result of an emotional separation should be an understanding that everything is in the past, there can be no return, acceptance of this fact and the achievement of a state of indifference to everything that happened. As a rule, it takes about a year for you to calmly look back and serenely remember your old relationship.
And from this follows the answer to your second question: If you want to go further in life with a light heart, you must understand for yourself that nothing can be and even could not. If for this you need to talk to him and hear confirmation of your thoughts "six months have passed and nothing has changed, we are different and nothing will work out" - then you must definitely do so. (Although his current silence means about the same.) Decide for yourself what actions on your part will lead to an understanding of the end of the relationship - a conversation with him, a farewell letter to him (where his answer or a new silence would be a confirmation of the end of the relationship) or how- otherwise. You can even just write him a farewell letter, throw out the feelings and thoughts that bother you on paper, and not send it, but simply burn it - the main thing is that for you this letter should be tantamount to a complete refusal to return to the past.
Third question. "How to stop going back to the places where you were happy?" You should not forbid yourself to go there or specifically avoid these places. Let yourself be there for as long as you want. Take as much time as you need. Most likely, conflicting feelings and memories will roll over you, which can be unpleasant, painful. But this is the only way the pain goes away, and there it will break through and leave you until it completely exhausts itself. At some point, not right away, you will realize that these places mean no more to you than others.
Fourth question. "How do you start building a relationship with someone?" The answer is obvious - you need to end your previous relationship. Free your place in your heart, emotionally break up with your ex. Until now, you have never stopped hoping that something is possible between you and postponed the decision of the issue of separation until later, you kept yourself “in limbo” of uncertainty. You, of course, can postpone further - only why do you need to continue these painful tortures, agony - after all, it does not make it easier for anyone. And you can really be happy in a new relationship. Think you've suffered enough this year. Start the new year with a clean slate. Good luck and love!
- Back: Am I in a hurry?
- Forward:
Feelings come and go, relationships sometimes do not develop the way we dreamed about it. And often it is the man who initiates the breakup of the novel. How to be in such a situation? How to let go and forget a loved one after everything we have experienced together? Despite the heartache, this must be done, for the sake of your own future and new, happy relationships.
How to let go of a man
To begin with, get rid of all the things that in your new life will remind you of your loved one - toys, gifts, photos, contacts on your phone, and also try not to visit places where you could meet or have previously been together. When talking with family and friends, avoid talking about your ex. If, nevertheless, the conversation turns to past relationships, ask them not to bring up this difficult question for you anymore.
Take the free time with something useful. Perhaps you will plunge headlong into work, find an interesting hobby, or meet your friends more often - the main thing is, do not try to berate yourself or feel sorry for yourself, empty memories will not lead to anything good either. Pamper yourself. Surely, there are things that the ex-boyfriend did not approve of - a short skirt, going to a concert, meeting with friends. Right now, a period has come in your life when you can not limit yourself in anything, and this is an undoubted plus of separation.
Often, girls in such situations find a way out in the use of alcohol, perhaps this will bring a little relief, but only for a very short time. When the effects of alcohol wears off, depression will come with renewed vigor, and significant damage will be done to health.
How to stop loving a man, not suffer and let go
Love is akin to illness and addiction, this is also recognized by science, so in some countries there are even rehabilitation groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, in which unfortunate lovers are helped to get rid of their "illness". In Russia there are a lot of professional psychologists who can also give the right advice, however, most ladies do not resort to their support, continuing to suffer and suffer from unrequited feelings.
Remember about respect and love for yourself, no strong woman will cling to a knowingly doomed relationship if she sees that the love boat is sinking. Is it just you who initiated your rare meetings? Your wishes and plans are never taken into account when making a decision? Thinking about your beloved man only cause an aching feeling of melancholy? It's time to think about whether you are happy with this person, what is the future of such a relationship? 
The most important moment on the way to a new life and building future relationships is the realization that your love for a person does not bring anything light and good, but only destroys and causes suffering. The mind has been screaming "stop" for a long time, but with manic persistence you are trying to extract old feelings from under the rubble. The sooner you decide to put an end, the easier it will be to get over the breakup, delaying the breakup will only aggravate, exacerbate the moment and increase the risk of falling into depression.
- It is difficult to understand and accept that the loved one did not take the right steps to keep you. But you should not convince yourself, reassure and protect a man by any circumstances that prevent him from maintaining a relationship. No, if he allowed to inflict mental anguish on you, then the feelings were not so dear to him. You need to run away from such a person and forbid yourself to even think about him.
- In order not to return to this situation again and again and not to turn over all possible options for the development of past relations in your head, it is necessary to logically complete them. And this can be done in only one way - in order to avoid omissions and claims, express everything that has accumulated to the former partner, if not personally, then in a letter or on the Internet. But in the stream of regrets and grievances, do not forget to mention happy moments, pleasant events in life together.
- If the decision to break up is not easy, psychologists recommend drawing up a written agreement with yourself, which will indicate the exact terms for suffering and experiences, after which you will receive an incentive prize - a trip, a new hairstyle or a dream dress.
- It is no secret that many girls idealize the image of their beloved, not noticing the shortcomings. Therefore, a good way to forget a guy is to discredit him in your own eyes. Take a blank sheet of paper and first write down all its advantages, and then its disadvantages. Look at what is more and try to translate all the pluses into minuses, for example, laconicism into inability to maintain a conversation, modesty into tightness and intimacy. Hang the list up in a prominent place and refer to it more often in moments of longing and self-pity.
- Keep a special joy diary in which you write down everything that gives you pleasure, so you will learn to find positive in the simplest things.
How to learn to live alone
Learning to exist alone after a difficult breakup is not an easy task, the situation is aggravated if the romance lasted for a long time and the couple lived in the same territory. How to get rid of the memories of past love and start living alone?
- Many women note that the most difficult thing in a single life is not loneliness and long, dreary evenings, they are often filled with daily worries, meetings with friends, household chores. But ladies cannot solve some household issues without strong male hands. For example, a leaking tap brings back memories of how much simpler everything used to be. The same can be applied to heavy shopping bags, unpaid receipts and the need to shake in the minibus. All the worries that lay on the shoulders of the beloved now need to be solved by herself. How do you deal with this without regretting your decision? To get started, create a daily routine and a list of all outstanding tasks. You can call relatives, friends and acquaintances for help, or contact the “husband for an hour” service, these services are relatively inexpensive, and you will feel that you are able to overcome all difficulties.
- After a husband or boyfriend leaves, for sure, a lot of his personal belongings will remain in the apartment, psychologists recommend getting rid of them as quickly as possible, it is not necessary to throw them away, just give them to the owner so that your favorite sweater or children's photo album does not loom before your eyes every time. If possible, make repairs or at least update some interior elements - curtains, a carpet or a new chair will become a symbol of the beginning of a new life.
- A lot of free time will need to be somehow occupied: bring to life a crazy idea, learn to dance, start learning foreign languages, or just meet with your friends more often. At first, you can plunge headlong into work.
- Get out of the house often. After you put your feelings in order, you can begin to accept courtship, because loneliness will not last forever.
Breaking up any relationship is a serious stress, even when the decision to end it was mutual. Feelings of affection and the power of memories sometimes prevent a person from living a fulfilling life for a very long time. In this article, we'll look at how to let go of your ex-boyfriend or husband and stop yearning for the past.
Forgiving all wrongs
Sometimes we naively think that if we give our memories of a loved one dark colors, and endow him with the most terrible qualities, then it will become easier for us to forget him. In fact, everything happens the other way around. The more evil we accumulate in ourselves, the more often we think about the person, mentally argue with him, feel sorry for ourselves, build accusatory speeches and plans of skillful revenge.
But the idea that one who lives in the past has no future is true. And in order to let go of a person, you must sincerely and wholeheartedly forgive him. Of course, if he hurt you badly, it is not so easy to do it. But try to at least come to terms with the fact and understand that nothing can be changed. All that is needed is to leave the past in the past - both good and bad. You can find useful tips on this topic in our article -.
Farewell to illusions
This is the other extreme. In this case, you are idealizing your past relationship and your lover in every possible way. At the root of this behavior lies a banal fear of a new love, life without it and with the uncertainty of what will happen next. Of course, it is more convenient to immediately decide that all the best is in him and with him than to start the difficult search for a more comfortable relationship.
But since you still cannot avoid these searches (by the way, in your best interests!), It is better to immediately face the truth. The point is this: if everything was so perfect, you wouldn't have to leave. If everything goes well in a relationship, none of the partners will break up. So, something didn’t suit you? And judging by the fact that you broke up, much did not suit you, since people are seriously and forever parting not because of the color of her lipstick or his addiction to the World Cup.
From scratch
To understand how to let go of an ex-husband or boyfriend, you first need to realize that you have your own life, and the relationship with your loved one is only part of it. The world has not turned upside down and continues to live with its daily chores. And the sooner you realize that life on earth has not stopped for a second after your break, the better for you.
After that, you need to take the most active part in this life. Remember what you dreamed about, what you planned and what goals did you set for yourself personally? You were not born with the only thought - to be with him! You probably had many interests and plans before him. And now is the time to translate them into reality and prove to yourself that you can still be happy and enjoy life.
Hard work, constant employment, interesting communication and vivid impressions are what you need. You simply won't have time to think about him, about your life together and about the breakup itself, and gradually you will be able to let go of your ex. In addition, when life boils and pleases, one less and less wants to return to the past and live in the old way.
