We live with the firm conviction that "all men are good ...". And the first in the list of male qualities we hate is the ability of the representatives of the stronger sex to enter into intimate contacts always and everywhere, that is, to cheat on their other half. However, the men themselves do not deny this: they say, we are polygamous, take it, dear ladies, for granted and do not try to remake us! But are all men really so easy to walk to the left, or are there exceptions to this sad rule for women?
It turns out that there are men who, for all their polygamy, do not cheat on their women. As a rule, the position of such men can be expressed by the words: "Why go to the left, if I feel so good!" They can be conditionally divided into several categories.
Wife to grow
In such a relationship, a woman by birth, education, social status or external data is always slightly higher than a man. This is the so-called growth wife, because a man all his life - sometimes successfully, and sometimes unsuccessfully - will try to reach her level. And if at the same time she does not neglect her partner and does not despise him, he is absolutely happy. It is not surprising that families built on this principle are the most stable.
There is also a downside to this alignment of forces in the family, in which a woman, feeling her superiority, becomes arrogant, arrogant and rude. But - unbelievable, but true! - a man does not cheat on such a wife - he is afraid to lose. He knows that the slightest excuse for his despising wife is enough to get rid of her ballast husband: "If she finds out about the betrayal, it will be possible to put an end to the relationship - she will never forgive me for this: she will kick me out of the house and will not let her see the children." Here the spouse does not risk - he sits quietly, like a mouse under a broom.
They do not seek from goodness
In such a family, a man and a woman are equal, so they treat each other well both in life and in relationships they are satisfied with everything. “Well, I’ll find myself a young woman,” the spouse thinks in such cases, “she will be a beauty - legs from ears, breasts of the fourth size. all my hobbies - hiking, sitting around the fire, hobby for bardic songs? " In general, on common sense, a man understands that one should not look for goodness about goodness - as a rule, this does not end with anything good.
It is interesting that even if the relationship between partners equal to each other does not develop in the best way, the man still does not want to destroy them. True, he argues in this case differently: “Yes, perhaps over the years our feelings have faded, and I am still young enough and could find myself another. But then you have to start all over again, and this is so tiring! In the event, as a result, everything will turn out exactly the same, and in the worst case - even worse. Well, why all this is necessary - to change the awl for soap? "
The tale of Cinderella
The third option: a woman is still, according to the same indicators - intelligence, education, origin, social status, appearance - lower than her man. He understands that she is no match for him, but he is touched by the eagerness with which she tries to correspond to him - any of his wishes is fulfilled with lightning speed. In fact, this is another - modern - variation of the tale of Cinderella, who was fortunate enough to marry the Prince. "She may not succeed in everything," he thinks, "but she is trying so hard! Why do I need adultery if I get everything I want in my own house and even more."
It happens that a woman not only falls short of a man, but is not going to do it, but he still does not cheat on her. The "justifications" for such behavior can be very different. For example, in spite of everything, a man loves this woman. Or he is kept near her by a sense of duty: "Of course, I feel bad with her, but she is my wife, I just can't just leave her!" Or he is afraid of what others will think of him: "God forbid, children will find out - what will they tell me ?!"
"Pity humiliates a person"?
And finally, the fourth option: a woman is not just below the man, but, roughly speaking, below the lower limit. But she loves him and he, in spite of everything, does not leave her - he ... pities her. “I would definitely leave her,” he convinces himself, “if she were young and healthy, but now, after so many years, and even after the birth of three children, she is not at all the same as before. She will disappear without me! "
In a family where a woman is obviously lower than her partner, but there is no love and harmony between them, a man also does not go to the left, but for completely different reasons. "Of course, she's not worth me," he thinks, "but I can do whatever I want, no one touches me and does not force me to live according to my own measure." A man can lie on the couch all day, drink beer with friends every evening, and go fishing every weekend - no one will "nag" him for this or, having dressed up, drag him to the theater or to visit his mother-in-law, where he is guaranteed will die of boredom. He can disappear for days at work, no one will suspect that he spends this time with his mistress - his wife gives him complete freedom of action, because she simply does not care where he is and what is wrong with him. In fact, here we are dealing with cheating, but not physical, but moral, when a man cheats on his wife with his work or hobby, but, as they say, this is a completely different story.
We would like to think that the man we are dating will never cheat on us. But the truth is, cheating happens, and quite often.
Men are cheating: sometimes to us, sometimes to us. We are constantly trying to understand why they are doing this. And there can be many reasons for this: this is a lack of open and close communication in a relationship, when a man does not feel that a woman understands his needs and desires.
If it is difficult to deal with this, then we will go from the opposite. What can make a man never cheat on his woman? Here's what they say themselves:
- 1. This is education.
- 3. It is expensive to change.
- 5. The consequences are worse than the process.
- 7. I don't want anyone else.
- 8. Appreciate what you have.
- 9. The game is not worth the candle.
1. This is education.
“This is how I was brought up. My father was a family lawyer; as a child, I often visited his office and heard how cheating ruined families and lives. At the age of 12, I swore that I would never do that myself, and never did that. "
2. When a woman loves him for who he is.
“It's not just about sex. Of course, good sex helps. But the main thing is that a woman accepts me for who I am. Men don't like it when someone tries to change them. "
3. It is expensive to change.
“To be honest, it’s cheaper to support only your wife than to lose her and look for another.”
4. Too many experiences are not sexy.
“Every time I start fantasizing about passionate sex with a stranger, my hands start to sweat from anxiety. And it's not just the fear of being caught. After all, this means that I will have to lie, remember my lies, start a sexual relationship with a new person, get used to and adapt, and of course, imagine the reaction of family, friends and wife, if everything becomes known. At the same time, no matter how good sex is, it does not compensate for all these experiences, which are not at all sexual. "
5. The consequences are worse than the process.
“Of course, there is definitely something dizzy in feeling the attention of another woman, her desire for you, the novelty of sex, some kind of animal passion. But then, after all, three consequences await anyway: you will be caught, you will be tormented by a feeling of guilt, and nothing, emptiness. I would not want to realize that I have no conscience at all in relation to my relationship and my woman. "
6. Better to show attention and improve your relationship with your woman.
“It's not really hard to spend 5 minutes to show attention to your girlfriend. To hug her in passing, massage her neck while she cooks something in the kitchen, open a bottle of wine and relax with her. Emotional closeness cannot be betrayed. "
7. I don't want anyone else.
"When I'm in a relationship, I only spend my time and energy on that person, and I'm not interested in anyone else."
8. Appreciate what you have.
“Sexual satisfaction from sex, on the other hand, is fleeting. If you have children, you have to think about what kind of example you are setting for them. Appreciate the life you have. Solve the problems that made you want to cheat on your wife. True love will make your sex more passionate and satisfying. "
9. The game is not worth the candle.
“Secs are great, but they are not much different from each other. Yes, the other woman may be a little prettier, more experienced or naive, but in general, everything is the same. And if everything is found out, it will cost a lot. "
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Again about our "favorite" topic. " I was asked “Do I think that EVERYTHING men walk left? " The question is difficult - it is impossible to say for everyone. I think not, but much more than we imagine. Among the huge number of my acquaintances (and we are talking about almost a couple of hundred), there are only three decent ones. But there are very weighty circumstances. The first is sick, the second is only important computer games, the third got married quite recently. She remembered that there is one more - he has such a low libido that the girl tells how for half a year there is no intimacy and cannot be achieved by any tricks. Half a year rich, half a year of silence with "hugs". They call it seasonal hibernation. After I found out about my friend's grandmother, who met someone else in her youth when she was already married and having a child, I realized that everything is worse than we imagine. At the same time, they are "the classical Soviet social unit", which is customary to admire. And later I heard a story about another strong married couple ...
There are 3 things that constantly confuse us:
1. The phrase "if he loves, he will be faithful." She has a twin sister " love and fidelity Different things". The first was invented by women who think that men think like them. The second - by men to calm cheated wives. Both of them are far from the truth - the cases are individual, and there are a lot of reasons.
2. 99.99% confuse the concepts of “ keep a husband in the family"With" keep from going to the left. " ALL wise advice heard or read relate to the first situation. And they help a lot. The advice for the second is comparable - excuse me - to treating a serious illness. There are lucky ones who discovered it in time or those who really helped. But there are more of those who do not. So it is impossible to keep from betrayal. This is the decision of the person himself.
3. When we talk about the loyalty of a partner, we forget that it can be, only FOR THE TIME. One word, but how much sense.
Do you want to name the real reasons why the stronger sex does not go to the left? They are revealed through long observation, reflection and analysis. Here they are:
1) Low libido. Not a problem with potency - namely, a low interest in sex. Only here it is necessary to distinguish between the lack of interest in sex with you personally or in life. Often at home it is quiet and calm, but on the side of the hoo!
2) Laziness. Not necessarily a lazy lifestyle, but you just don't want to strain to get along with someone.
3) Lack of opportunity. Financial too.
4) Inability to make a close acquaintance.
5) Complexes, fear of women.
6) Passivity. He himself will not go to a new connection, but he may well respond to a woman's initiative.
7) Complexes, fear of rejection
8) Severe stress or depression. True, sometimes a relationship outside of marriage is a way to relieve such tension.
9) There are other ways, besides sex, to catch courage and adrenaline.
10) Walked up. This usually applies to late married men. Although it is worth remembering - there are almost no former revelers, as well as former drug addicts. Rather, it is more about the usual way of life of a free man, and not about a lover of women.
11) The novelty of the relationship. While euphoria, hormones are raging, supplementation is not needed.
12) Decent environment. The husband's friends have a huge influence. If they "fornicate", sooner or later yours will also start, will not want to consider himself a black sheep. Not necessarily friends will pin him up, not at all. Itself will think "I am a redhead, or what?" This has little to do with resistance to other people's opinions. The water wears away the stone - even if nothing is imposed on him, the man notes with enviable regularity how everyone except him “walks and does not bathe”. Therefore, if he has a reputable friend (or girlfriend) a little older, to whom the spouse listens, often communicates with him (her) and knows how he despises marital infidelity, then his position will also influence the behavior of the spouse. Conclusion - pay attention to whom you communicate with.
13) A man made a decision to be faithful. As I say, it is quite difficult to influence the spouse, this is his decision.
If you noticed, really good reasons went to the bottom of the list. And there is no love at all. It could have been written as number 14, but I didn’t. In a strong family, it becomes a matter of course and is less thoughtful about.
Now I propose to discuss the female view of infidelity, why it is often wrong. We presume:
1. If he loves, he will not betray. The most important reason. But many men do not really get in the way of love. Their conscience obsequiously prompts - they are not doing anything bad, because they are good husbands, take care of children, are not going to leave anyone, and this little one-time adventure is just to revive feelings for his wife and make sure that she is better than the rest. And betrayal has nothing to do with it.
2. There is a lot of sex at home - there is no need to look for it on the side. No matter how much it is and no matter how diverse it is, you get used to it. And this ceases to cause the old euphoria. In addition, not only sex itself is interesting, but new impressions.
3. If you keep yourself in shape, behave correctly, then there will be no reason to look around. See the previous point. Over time, you get used to good things and you stop seeing. Have you noticed - often mistresses are inferior to their wives in many ways? Here's an explanation.
4. Will not change if he is afraid to lose. In fact, it stops little. Anyone is sure that they can cover their tracks so that no one knows.
5. Disgust. Yes, this is a little more reasonable. But she works in theory, but in practice - a man falls in love with a specific girl, he likes her and now he is no longer soared. Not to mention the fact that many women are not at all difficult to convince of their decency, and even virginity, when they understand how they want them.
6. Husband has no time. Home - work, at work only male team - weekend together. I happened to twice observe how men managed to cheat on their wives, even working with them in the same office in the neighboring offices. His "girlfriend" came as a client. Wife for lunch - she's in the office. Or in the back room.
7. After reading item 6 you exclaimed “Nonsense! I know my partner, he is not impressed by the quick hookup, he needs passion, play. " But are we aware of the background to this intercourse in the back room? Maybe they have known each other for a long time or corresponded - there are a lot of social networks now. And here's another option. The spouse works among a same-sex team. The women are not there, but a client comes, or a courier, or a lady from a nearby building. At first it just comes. Then they say hello politely. A certain amount of time passes. After a few times, she smiles at the greeting. Then they smile at each other. After a while they start talking. Even later, they talk at lunch, during a smoke break, or just. Everything! When mutual sympathy arises, this is already a relationship! And the fuck in the back room is their result. Moreover, the result is bright, passions are seething, blood is boiling. Danger! Risk! Here is your spouse who is supposedly not interested in left sex.
8. “My husband is faithful to me. Our family is too dear to him. " It is impossible to know what is going on in the head of another person, especially if he does not really want it. Remember, after all, you also have something about which the faithful is absolutely not in a dream or in spirit. Not necessarily shameful or secret - you just don't find it necessary to say no matter why. Likewise with your knowledge of your husband. You know his position only from his words and your conjectures. Moreover, many husbands deliberately inspire their partners with certain thoughts - I'm not like that, I don't accept it, I walked for a walk, it's already boring for me, the ladies are too accessible (not my taste, predictable, etc.). He does the right thing - protects his soul mate.
Sad, huh? So I feel sad when I think about it. But the thought is consoling - there are faithful husbands, albeit a little. All the more reason to appreciate them. Well, what to do with all this information - I will share it next time. And to the question - why did you, Olya, write all these nasty things, I will answer - forewarned, then armed. We will arm ourselves a little later.
As a psychologist, I often hear a woman's question: tell me, do all men cheat on their women? No, not all of them. Only those who cease to truly appreciate, respect and love their woman. At the same time, it is not about the woman, but about us, men. Boredom, revenge, midlife crisis, routine, status, adventure and risk, desire to assert itself, polygamy and much, much more ... Type in a Google search box "why a man cheats" - and you will receive a huge number of links that will not only tell you why a man is cheating on you, but they will also give you exact instructions on what to do if this happens. At the same time, advice can be the complete opposite of each other.
Suspensoriofinanceiro.com
Each case is individual, I will share the conclusions that I came to myself using examples of cases from my practice:
Story number 1. Kirill, 44 years old
"How can she sit at home and do nothing for 20 years?" I have been in serious business since the age of 18, and my level, like the level of people around me, is constantly growing. I am surrounded by successful, strong, beautiful women who achieve success in life. And I really am attracted to them. If you put them next to my wife, who is only interested in children and TV shows, then you will understand me ... "
Cheating often occurs in a family where the man reaches a high level of income and status, and the spouse remains at the initial level. The points of contact and common interests between them are becoming less and less every year, and as a result, they may not remain at all. The option “to become an excellent hostess and loyal rear” seems deceptively ideal, and the woman is often betrayed and disappointed.
Story number 2. Veronica, 29 years old
A case from couples therapy, the wife turns to her husband: “Do you remember, already in the sixth month of my pregnancy, you stared at the woman in the park? I know that all men have only sex in their heads, just give them freedom, and they are all bad. And only prostitutes work in your bank ”.
A huge amount of anger, claims and grievances that women throw out at a man in the form of screams, claims, hysterics is only a consequence of the childhood or adolescent trauma suffered.
postirke.ru For example, the girl's father, working in a bank and becoming a big boss, at some point began to openly and constantly cheat on his wife, humiliating and devaluing the family. It all ended with the fact that he left them alone. This intense pain and fear that everything can happen in the same way in her family, in relation to her and her child, provokes emotional breakdowns in the grown-up girl.
And this is where the phenomenon of social psychology begins to work, which is called the Rosenthal Effect or the Pygmalion Effect. The phenomenon lies in the fact that if you, due to your, more often negative, life circumstances and experience expect some action from another person (for example, betrayal), you yourself begin to act in accordance with this conviction. And provoke another person to this.
Another simple example: a girl was cheated on by a guy. After a while, she dealt with it and began a relationship. And if she again, for the second time, had a painful parting due to betrayal or infidelity, the girl forms an unpleasant algorithm: “At first everything is good in the relationship, but then something bad will surely happen”. If this belief is firmly entrenched, no matter how wonderful her subsequent relationship with a new young man is, sooner or later she will begin to instill in herself that everything is not as good as she thinks, and unconsciously take actions that can lead to an unpleasant outcome ... Checking the phone, scenes of jealousy in public places, mentioning the ex and that "all men are like that."
Story no. 3, Christina, 25 years old
“And when I found out that he had a girlfriend, I realized that I needed to save him. After all, relations with her began to influence him and our family badly, he became irritable, and it was clear from him that he was feeling guilty. "
Did you start saving him? Who will save you? Why do you keep forgetting about yourself and put yourself at the end of the line?
Low self-esteem, lack of goals and desires, a strong need for approval also provokes cheating. Often this is a consequence of upbringing in an incomplete family, where the only parent did not give enough warmth, intimacy, and a sense of being needed.
A child who has not met the basic set of needs in the form of love and respect for himself as an adult may experience the greatest need for this throughout his life. It is like an internal hole that a person tries to close with everything that turns under his arm.
v.img.com.ua Story number 4. Victor, 28 years old
“Sometimes I’m even afraid of my wife, but when dealing with other women I feel that I can trust them. With them I can be who I am, sensitive and vulnerable. And with her, no matter what I say, there is a feeling of tension. It seems that I can "fly in" at any moment.
Story number 5. Igor, 30 years old
“When I want to have sex with her, I get the feeling that I am forcing her to do it. Feeling like they are doing me a favor. And over time, I begin to think about my inferiority. It's like I'm some kind of beggar from the street. "
Both of these cases have one thing in common: if a man does not get what he needs in a relationship - and this is not necessarily sex, it is also communication, trust, care - he will look for it elsewhere. And sooner or later he will find what he lacks.
As you can see, the stories are different. But they have one thing in common: when we talk about betrayal, we need to look into the past - both our own and that of our partner, remember the upbringing received, the negative experience. This will give you an understanding of what kind of psychological attachments you have formed, what are your needs and the needs of your man.
But it is equally important that you yourself, in an attempt to satisfy all the needs of your partner, do not lose your importance, do not dissolve in him and do not determine your value only through this relationship. This is what often becomes the reason for the loss of interest in your man and subsequent betrayal.
There are articles that describe in 20 or more points what needs to be done so that a man does not cheat. But if you try to follow these tips, the question arises - are there such women on the planet in principle? And is it really necessary to become such a superwoman just to be respected? Or is it better to be yourself?
“How many questions,” you say. This is the task of the psychologist - to ask questions, and not to give advice and teach manipulations, as clients sometimes ask.
Asking yourself more questions, and honestly answering yourself to them, build the relationship so that your man does not even have the idea of cheating.
Among my acquaintances and clients, there are only two categories of men who are alien to the word "treason".
The former, with the help of various psychological techniques and manipulations, "educate" their partners in such a way that for them the very fact of a man's betrayal does not seem to be such, but becomes a familiar part of their family life. Behind the external facade of well-being, every year more and more can be traced the strong pain of a woman, which sooner or later will turn into prolonged depression. Such men have always been, are and will be, and they just need to be avoided.
But the second category includes men who, together with their woman, have created and continue to create relationships with respect and love for each other. They understand and complement their strengths and weaknesses well. Their relationship is about joint growth and development. You can “create” such men in your life, it is only important to know about the needs of both parties and never forget about your own value. Try to answer one last question: "Who is the most valuable person in your life?" If the answers "husband, mother, child" came to mind - this is wrong. The most valuable person in your life is yourself.
The reasons why a man decides to commit adultery can be endless: from lack of attention to the nature of character and temperament. What makes men never cheat?
Upbringing
"I was brought up like that. In addition, my father was a family lawyer, so from childhood I could watch how cheating alienates people and destroys families, hurts children. Once I gave myself my word that I would never go to betrayal, and I keep this word to this day. "
The woman loves him for who he is
“You know, for me it’s not all about intimacy. Yes, it is important. Yes, this is what the relationship is about. But the most important thing for me is to be accepted as such imperfect: a little fat, a little boring, a little weird. My wife has already accepted me like that, so I have no need to look for another home. "
Too expensive
“In all fairness, this is terribly expensive. My friend, in addition to his wife and two children, also maintains a mistress, and he never even has money for beer. "
Many experiences
“Sometimes, when I notice a beautiful girl and think about her, you know, in what context, my pulse starts to quicken and my palms sweat. It's not just the fear of being caught, but the fact that you have to lie, all the time. Even if you changed it once, you still have to lie to the very end. Also remember this lie. I think that betrayal will immediately deprive me of my family, friends, and the respect of colleagues, and most importantly, after that I can hardly consider myself worthy. "
The consequences are worse than the process
“Of course, it's always nice that despite your age and the ring you remain attractive to the opposite sex. The attention itself is nice, and the fact that they want you, and maybe I myself was already on the border ... But then the consequences await, and they are worse than the war. And this gnawing feeling of guilt that won't go away so easily, if at all. "
Better to pay attention to your woman
“My woman is my choice. I see no point in looking at a passer-by, no matter how beautiful she is. But in general, I prefer to spend mental strength and money on the woman I love. "
Doesn't want anyone else
“For me, loyalty exists only in two categories: either I want other women, but I restrain myself, or I don’t want any other woman except my wife. I'm lucky, my loyalty is in the second category. " When I'm in a relationship, I only spend my time and energy on that person, and I'm not interested in anyone else. "
Respect
“Cheating for me is, first of all, humiliation for myself. Then, one day, when I shop in the supermarket with my wife, she will pass, and I will feel humiliated both for myself and for my wife, regardless of whether she knows about the betrayal or not. "
