We live with the firm conviction that "all men are theirs ...". And the first in the list of masculine qualities we hate is the ability of the stronger sex to enter into intimate contacts always and everywhere, that is, to cheat on their other halves. However, the men themselves do not deny this: they say, we are polygamous, take it, dear ladies, as a given and do not try to remake us! But do all men really go to the left so easily, or are there exceptions to this sad rule for women?
It turns out that there are men who, for all their polygamy, do not cheat on their women. As a rule, the position of such men can be expressed by the words: "Why go to the left, if I feel so good!" Conventionally, they can be divided into several categories.
wife for growth
In such relationships, a woman by origin, education, social status or external data is always slightly higher than a man. This is the so-called wife for growth, because a man all his life - sometimes successfully, and sometimes unsuccessfully - will try to reach her level. And if she does not neglect her partner and does not despise him, he is absolutely happy. Not surprisingly, families built on this principle are the most stable.
There is also a downside to this balance of power in the family, in which a woman, feeling her superiority, becomes arrogant, arrogant and rude. But - unbelievable, but true! - a man does not cheat on such a wife - he is afraid of losing. He knows that the slightest reason is enough for his despising wife to get rid of her ballast husband: "If she finds out about the betrayal, it will be possible to put an end to the relationship - she will never forgive me for this: she will kick me out of the house and will not let me see the children." Here the spouse does not take risks - he sits quietly, like a mouse under a broom.
Good is not sought from good
In such a family, a man and a woman are equal, therefore they treat each other well both in life and in relationships, everything suits them. “Well, I’ll find myself young,” the husband thinks in such cases, “she will be a beauty - legs from the ears, breasts of the fourth size. But can she, like my wife, understand me not only from a half-word, but also from a half-look and share all my hobbies are hiking, campfire gatherings, passion for bard songs? In general, on sound reflection, a man understands that it is not worth looking for good about good - this, as a rule, does not end with anything good.
It is interesting that even if the relationship between partners equal to each other does not develop in the best way, the man still does not want to destroy them. True, he argues differently in this case: “Yes, perhaps over the years our feelings have faded, and I’m still young enough and could find myself another one. But then you’ll have to start all over again, and it’s so tiring! case, as a result, everything will turn out exactly the same, and in the worst case, even worse. Well, why is all this necessary - to change the awl for soap?"
The tale of Cinderella
The third option: the woman is still below her man in terms of the same indicators - mind, education, origin, social status, appearance. He understands that she is no match for him, but he is touched by the zeal with which she tries to match him - any of his wishes are fulfilled with lightning speed. In fact, this is another - modern - variation of the fairy tale about Cinderella, who was lucky enough to marry the Prince. “Let her not succeed,” he thinks, “but she tries so hard! Why do I need adultery if I get everything I want in my own house, and even more.”
It happens that a woman not only falls short of a man, but is not going to do it, but he still does not change her. The "justifications" for such behavior can be very different. For example, no matter what, a man loves this woman. Or he is kept near her by a sense of duty: “Of course, I feel bad with her, but she is my wife, I can’t just take and leave her!” Or is he afraid of what others will think about him: "God forbid, the children will find out - what will they tell me ?!"
"Pity humiliates a person"?
And, finally, the fourth option: a woman is not just below a man, but, roughly speaking, below the lowest limit. But she loves him and he, in spite of everything, does not leave her - he ... pities her. “I would definitely leave her,” he convinces himself, “if she were young and healthy, but now, after so many years, and even after the birth of three children, she is not at all what she used to be. She will be lost without me! "
In a family where a woman is obviously lower than her partner, but there is no love and harmony between them, a man also does not go to the left, but for completely different reasons. “Of course, she doesn’t deserve me,” he thinks, “but I can do whatever I want, no one touches me and doesn’t force me to live by my own standards.” A man can lie on the couch all day, drink beer with friends every evening, and go fishing every weekend - no one will “cut” him for this or, having dressed up, drag him to the theater or visit his mother-in-law, where he is guaranteed will die of boredom. He can disappear for days at work, no one will suspect that he is spending this time with his mistress - his wife gives him complete freedom of action, because she simply does not care where he is and what is happening to him. In fact, here we are dealing with betrayal, but not physical, but moral, when a man cheats on his wife with his work or hobby, but, as they say, this is a completely different story.
Can there be a family without change?
It is generally accepted that almost all men are ready to cheat on their wives. And even if someone does not do this, it is only because no suitable opportunity presented itself.
Are there men who don't cheat? Is fidelity even possible in a relationship? And if so, what should be done to save it?
We are talking about this with a Moscow psychologist - scientific director of the psychological center "5 YES!" Marina MOROZOVA.
- Marina, are there really husbands who do not cheat on their wives?
Some people think that all men are womanizers, but in reality this is not so.
There are don Juan and womanizers who change regardless of how the relationship develops in the family. They are somewhat addicted to sex, like alcoholics to drink. As a rule, these are people with huge complexes, low self-esteem and not self-confident.
They begin to cheat even before the wedding and, creating a family, do not plan to leave this occupation. And a woman should be aware that by marrying a womanizer, she will not be able to correct him.
There is no need to harbor illusions that with you he will certainly become different. It won't! And even the age of such a person will not change - even at the age of 70 he will remain a womanizer.
If you married a Don Juan, resign yourself to the fact that you will have to endure his betrayals all your life.
- And what, they never change?
The betrayal of such men is a signal that something is wrong in your relationship. As, however, and the betrayal of women.
It means that something does not suit a person in a relationship, something is missing, some of his needs are not satisfied, some energy is missing. And he begins to look for this energy on the side. It can be dissatisfaction in sex, lack of understanding - a very common reason.
For example, a man lacks communication, attention, sympathy from his wife. Or vice versa - the husband is busy with work, career, but does not notice his wife. And then she finds a man who will listen to her and understand.
Maybe there is not enough joy in relationships - the family is mired in everyday life, children are sick, there is not enough money ... But a novel is something wonderful, it distracts from problems, gives rest - in general, a balm for the soul.
Sometimes people cheat simply because they lack flirting. Flirting, after all, also greatly increases the tone, cheerfulness.
At the same time, a person does not plan to leave the family, he simply replenishes the missing energies. But such a campaign for positive destroys family relationships. The situation is getting worse. Time passes, and now a person is thinking about changing his life partner ...
Therefore, at the first suspicion of treason, you need to try to correct the situation.
- How? Start looking for evidence of infidelity, sort things out with your husband or even a rival?
In no case! Total control over text messages, Internet correspondence, checking pockets, scenes - these are all destructive ways that only worsen the situation.
If you have the courage, you can try to talk frankly with your spouse, find out what's going on.
But there is a certain risk in this. After all, you can hear the bitter truth - yes, I'm cheating on you. And something has to be done about this truth.
- What can be done with it? Try to understand and forgive the cheater or ask to collect things?
There is no single recipe for everyone. There are people who, having learned about treason, immediately break off relations. They simply cannot do otherwise, for them it is completely unacceptable. And someone is ready to forgive and try to start all over again.
And here everything is very individual. And it is better to follow your inner desires, and not social stereotypes or the advice of friends.
And in any case, it is not recommended to make sudden movements on emotions, on impulse. Because it’s easy to break off a relationship, but it’s much more difficult to restore it later, and sometimes it’s completely impossible. Because in the heat you can say words that you can’t take back.
It is important to understand that both spouses are responsible for the betrayal. There is no cheating (if we don't take cases of womanizers) just for the sake of cheating.
If, relatively speaking, you are fed a delicious dinner at home, will you need to go somewhere else to have dinner? To drag somewhere, to spend strength, to invest energy ...
If a person gets everything he needs at home, he will never try to get it on the side.
And if a betrayal arose, it means that people did nothing to maintain and strengthen relations.
Maybe the wife sawed her husband, but he lacked praise, admiration, support. Maybe she devoted a lot of time to the child, and the man was deprived of attention.
- And how to recognize in time that your other half is missing something so much?
The trouble is that people do not discuss their problems. If they talked to each other more often, all problems could be solved without leading to treason.
For example, if a wife explained to her husband that when she has problems, she wants him to look up from the TV and listen carefully to her, caress her, and he would start doing this, then his wife’s betrayal could be avoided.
Or vice versa - the husband would tell what depresses him when his wife brings down reproaches and claims on him, as soon as he steps over the threshold of the apartment. And he wants to be greeted at home with joy and warm words spoken.
Well, yes, and his wife answered him: “Why should I be happy - how much do you get, remember?” Or something else like that. It's not always possible for your partner to hear you....
It is important to learn how to talk about your feelings, and speak in “I-statements”. That is, you talk about your emotions - I'm offended, I'm angry, it annoys me, I'm tired of something.
Avoid "you-statements" - you make me angry, you offended me, you upset me. These statements sound like accusations and only exacerbate the conflict.
And even if you have suspicions about treason, do not attack your partner: “Oh, you are such a scoundrel, you are cheating on me!”. Just try to figure out what doesn't suit him in the relationship. Of course, you don’t need to drive a person into a corner with demands: “Well, say what doesn’t suit you!”.
Be honest about your own feelings. Your partner will gradually learn this too.
But just talking is not enough. We need to draw more conclusions. Understand what does not suit the partner, and change something in yourself, in your conduct. Strong relationships require effort on both sides.
- That is, fidelity in a relationship is still possible?
If you invest in relationships to keep love.
Imagine two people sitting around a fire. For a fire to burn, it must be sustained. Unfortunately, it often happens that the wife says: “Why should I support? Let him." And the husband sits and thinks: “Why am I - she is the keeper of the hearth?” As long as they count in this way, the fire goes out.
It is important to remember that relationships are not a one-sided game. Both of you need to work hard here.
For example, I had a couple at the reception - my husband complained that his wife was rude to him, she would not kiss, hug, and did not allow herself to be hugged (outside of sexual relations). At the same time, he himself did everything that was important for her - he helped around the house, worked with the child, earned money. It is clear that everything suited her in the relationship, but she did not want to fulfill the needs of her husband. And in the end, she was left alone.
Because a handsome and successful man, not getting what he needs from his wife, will always find it elsewhere. This is a classic.
Andrey Shemyakin (28), managing partner of PR & Communications Company S.E.A., looking for
It cannot be changed by accident. Only a weak person who has not found the strength to overcome a dangerous situation can change his soulmate.
I believe that you can always find another way to release emotions or rethink the situation. By cheating on your soul mate, you are first of all cheating on yourself, your principles and foundations, well-being and constancy.
I believe that cheating can destroy the relationship that you have created and protected for so long. You need to respect yourself and appreciate those around you. And the best way to do this is to be faithful.
"Moral attitudes keep from betrayal"
Alexander Sadchikov (39), candidate of technical sciences, married
Ever since I was a kid, I've been taught that cheating is bad. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, and they always smiled, laughed: they had fun with each other. Both at 20 and at 50. They had a full-fledged family, while they remained a couple of lovers.
Maybe subconsciously I always wanted to build just such a relationship. I have never had a desire to cheat on the woman I love. I have been looking for my soulmate for a long time and really appreciate that she is with me. Lies, betrayals complicate relationships and put marriage at risk. Nobody wants to lose their family.
"True Love Doesn't Change"
Sergey Krylov (29), entrepreneur, in a relationship
I have been married and I have experience of a long relationship. So I can say with confidence: if a man admits at least one thought of treason, then next to him is not that woman. It is better to let her go and find your true love, which you will be faithful to all your life.
There is also such a moment: why at the very beginning of a relationship do you not look at anyone other than your beloved? Because during the candy-bouquet period, a man completely gives all his feelings to one woman. And only after some time, when the passions fade away, he tries to make up for their lack on the side.
I believe the responsibility for maintaining the relationship lies with both. Therefore, a woman should not relax, always be in good shape, as on a first date. A man must win her all his life.
"Life will always avenge treason"
Pasha Mavridi (28), TV reporter, engaged
As a traitor in the eye, I can say for sure - there is nothing worse than adultery! Deception, hypocrisy, shame - all these accompany male infidelity. You can hide the deception, but a month, a year, even five years will pass, and the secret will still become clear. Life will surely take its revenge! The boomerang effect always works. Therefore, you do not need to change, but it is better to tell a woman that you do not love, that you are tired, than to hug another behind your back.
As a psychologist, I often hear a woman's question: tell me, do all men cheat on their women? No, not all. Only those who cease to truly appreciate, respect and love their woman. It's not about the woman, it's about us men. Boredom, revenge, midlife crisis, routine, status, adventure and risk, the desire to assert yourself, polygamy and much, much more ... Type in the Google search box "why a man cheats" - and you will get a huge number of links that will not only tell you why a man is cheating on you, but they will also give you exact instructions on what to do if this happens. At the same time, advice can be the complete opposite of each other.
Suspensoriofinanceiro.com
Each case is individual, I will share the conclusions that I myself came to on examples of cases from my practice:
Story No. 1. Kirill, 44 years old
“How can she sit at home and do nothing for 20 years?” I have been in serious business since the age of 18, and my level, as well as the level of people around me, is constantly growing. I am surrounded by successful, strong, beautiful women who achieve success in life. And I'm really attracted to them. If you put them next to my wife, who is only interested in children and TV shows, then you will understand me ... "
Cheating often appears in a family where the man reaches a high level of income and status, and the spouse remains at the initial level. Every year there are less and less points of contact and common interests between them, and as a result, they may not remain at all. The option “to become a wonderful hostess and a faithful rear” seems deceptively ideal, and a woman often turns out to be betrayed and disappointed.
Story No. 2. Veronica, 29 years old
A case from couples therapy, a wife addresses her husband: “Do you remember, already in the sixth month of my pregnancy, you were staring at a woman in the park? I know that all men have only sex in their heads, just give them freedom, and they are all bad. And only prostitutes work in your bank.”
A huge amount of anger, claims and resentments that women splash out on a man in the form of screams, claims, tantrums are only a consequence of a childhood or teenage trauma.
postirke.ru For example, the girl's father, working in a bank and becoming a big boss, at some point began to openly and constantly cheat on his wife, humiliating and devaluing the family. It all ended with him leaving them alone. This intense pain and fear that everything could happen in exactly the same way already in her family, in relation to her and her child, provokes emotional breakdowns in an adult girl.
And here the phenomenon of social psychology begins to work, which is called the Rosenthal Effect or the Pygmalion Effect. The phenomenon lies in the fact that if you, due to your, more often negative, life circumstances and experience, expect some action from another person (for example, treason), you yourself begin to act in accordance with this belief. And provoke the other person to it.
Another simple example: a guy cheated on a girl. After a while, she got over it and started a relationship. And if she again, for the second time, had a painful separation due to betrayal or betrayal, the girl formed an unpleasant algorithm: “At first everything is fine in the relationship, but then something bad will definitely happen.” If this belief is firmly established, no matter how wonderful her subsequent relationship with a new young man may be, sooner or later she herself will begin to inspire herself that everything is not as good as it seems to her, and unconsciously take actions that can lead to an unpleasant outcome. . Checking the phone, scenes of jealousy in public places, references to the former and the fact that "all men are like that."
Story No. 3, Kristina, 25 years old
“And when I found out that he had a girlfriend, I realized that I needed to save him. After all, relations with her began to affect him and our family badly, he became irritable, and it was clear from him that he was feeling guilty.
Did you start saving him? And who will save you? Why do you always forget about yourself and put yourself at the end of the line?
Low self-esteem, lack of goals and desires, a strong need for approval also provokes betrayal. Often this is a consequence of upbringing in an incomplete family, where the only parent did not give enough warmth, closeness, and a sense of being needed.
A child who has not met the basic set of needs in the form of love and respect for himself when he becomes an adult may experience a strong need for this all his life. It's like an inner hole that a person tries to close with everything that is tucked under the arm.
v.img.com.ua Story No. 4. Victor, 28 years old
“Sometimes I am even afraid of my wife, and in dealing with other women I feel that I can trust them. With them, I can be who I am, sensitive and vulnerable. And with her, no matter what I say, there is a feeling of tension. It seems that I can “fly” at any moment.
Story No. 5. Igor, 30 years old
“When I want to have sex with her, I get the feeling that I am forcing her to do it. Feeling like they are doing me a favor. And over time, the thought of my inferiority begins to appear in me. Like I'm some beggar from the street."
Both of these cases have one thing in common: if a man does not get what he needs in a relationship - and this is not necessarily sex, it is also communication, trust, care - he will look for it elsewhere. And sooner or later he will find what he lacks.
As you can see, the stories are different. But they have one thing in common: when we talk about cheating, we need to look into the past - both ours and our partner, remember our upbringing, negative experience. This will give an understanding of what kind of psychological bindings you have formed, what are your needs and the needs of your man.
But it is equally important that you yourself, in an attempt to satisfy all the needs of a partner, do not lose your significance, do not dissolve in it and do not determine your value only through these relationships. This is what often becomes the reason for the loss of interest of your man and subsequent betrayal.
There are articles that describe in 20 or more points what needs to be done so that a man does not cheat. But if you try to follow these tips, the question arises - are there such women on the planet in principle? And is it really necessary to become such a superwoman just for the sake of being respected? Or is it better to be yourself?
“So many questions,” you say. This is the task of a psychologist - to ask questions, and not give advice and teach manipulation, as clients sometimes ask.
Ask yourself more questions, and honestly answering them yourself, build relationships so that your man does not even have the thought of cheating.
Among my acquaintances and clients there are only two categories of men who are alien to the word "treason".
The former, with the help of various psychological techniques and manipulations, "educate" their partners in such a way that for them the very fact of a man's infidelity seems to be no longer such, but becomes a familiar part of their family life. Behind the outer facade of well-being, every year the severe pain of a woman, who sooner or later will turn into a protracted depression, is increasingly visible. Such men have always been, are and will be, and they should simply be avoided.
But the second category includes men who, together with their woman, have created and continue to create relationships with respect and love for each other. They understand and complement their strengths and weaknesses well. Their relationship is a joint growth and development. You can “create” such men yourself in your life, it is only important to be aware of the needs of both parties and never forget about your own value. Try to answer one last question: "Who is the most valuable person in your life?". If the answers “husband, mother, child” come to mind, this is not true. The most valuable person in your life is yourself.
Such women are never cheated on by men! Check if you have these qualities? Psychologists have studied the relationship of many couples and came to the conclusion that men almost never cheat on women with such qualities!
Next to such women are most often the best, most powerful men. And they know for sure that they are incredibly lucky. Cheating in relationships is practically the scourge of our time. However, if most women knew about these qualities, then cheating could be prevented. Read, learn and take into account. It’s not scary if you think that you don’t have these qualities, because in fact there are sprouts of these qualities in every woman, it’s important just to develop them. Such women are never cheated on:
Energy.
This is the most important, without energy, the presence of subsequent qualities will not be of great fundamental importance. This woman is “alive”, attracting others, not necessarily men, with her vital energy.
With her, other sensations, feelings are aggravated, emotions come to life (from hatred to insane passion), she leaves no one indifferent. The words sound different, it is important that she pays attention to them, the gift of eloquence may even wake up, or you want to speak pathos phrases to show her your great charm.interest.
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Next to such a woman, events in life become brighter, “more voluminous” and more meaningful. Her energy beckons like a magnet, you just want to be with her and enjoy. Many even agree to just communicate, being under the illusion that this will be enough for them. They agree to this in order to be close, because without her life will not be so rich.
Everything in her: a look, a walk, a word, any movement cause a slight shaking of the air, and those around her try to get infected with this vital energy virus in the hope that it is still transmitted by airborne droplets.
Unpredictability.
You never know what to expect from her, the most amazing thing is that such a woman herself does not always know what happened to her, that she has changed so much. But this mystery and unpredictability make one freeze in her presence with fear and excitement. After all, no one knows what will happen next, whether it will be a great happiness or the deepest disappointment, or maybe a gentle charm, or simply nothing will happen.
Confidence and vitality.
There is a very clear line here, if confidence, self-sufficiency and resilience are the leading qualities, then this is a different woman, not the one we are talking about. The confidence and vitality of a woman who is not cheated on comes from her energy. This is some kind of inexplicable knowledge that everything will work out, come true and come. She can put in a lot of effort to achieve her goal, but when she really believes in it! Faith in your man has the same incredible power, but they don’t cheat like that.
Knows what he wants.
Such a woman can always answer what she wants now, almost without thinking. She lives in harmony with her own soul and body. And she can even attach instructions for the use of her most complex “details”, because it is she who knows what she needs. Knows his own worth.
E that woman is not mercantile, not too self-confident and demanding, she really knows her own worth. And often weak men lose here, refusing to achieve, considering such demands excessive, and even trying to check: is she a queen?
And she is a queen! Exactly. And this does not mean that she demands castles and all the attributes of royal life, but she will not say that with "a sweet paradise in a hut." She knows what level of life and attitude to it is needed, and knows how to inspire a man to achieve his goals, while being sincerely grateful for what he does. It is only important to unravel its secret. It's not that difficult - listen to what she says.
Clever.
Smart, wise, intellectual, engaged in self-development and development of relationships, interested in - an excellent competent interlocutor, she does not stand still.
Sincere, even if harsh.
It takes great courage to be truly sincere, but, dear men, it is a great gift - the sincerity of such a woman. It's more than just one life.
Her sincerity can be so sincere that philosophers and writers can envy her, and sometimes so cruel, but so truthful. You want to run away from this truth, but it penetrates the very heart and helps to stay, bringing with it insight, and then inspiration. I remind you that this is the lot of strong men!
Sexy.
She is beautiful in appearance, intellectually, energetically and sexually. Here, her life energy is in full swing and touches those nearby. Her appearance may not be defiant, but it seems that the energy that exists in her emphasizes every curve of her body. The desire for her is so strong that it is sometimes impossible to resist even the most decent family men. But it is impossible to buy her, only she herself decides who will be with her!
I didn't write about love here. I can only say that the feelings that this woman evokes in men are not forgotten. Therefore, love and take care of such women, always fight for her. If you love her, try not to hurt her. She will be able to forgive you, but will you then have access to all the resources that she gave you and can give you ... Take care of her - she is a real woman!
